Friday 6 May 2016 by Neil Tollfree

Cigarette packaging to be made of excrement, nettles and misery


smoking packages

The EU has ruled that all cigarette packaging should be made of a combination of human faeces, stinging nettles and misery in an effort to discourage smokers.

“There is considerable evidence that handling a combination of faeces, nettles and misery will prove off-putting to most people,” said health campaigner Simon Williams.

“Particularly amongst the young who consider having all stung fingers that smell of excrement to be really quite ‘uncool.’”

Targeting the packaging of cigarettes is a popular tactic around the world.

The US has seen considerable drops in smoking since legislation came in requiring all cigarette packaging to be entirely explosive, in Brazil the packaging is made out of acid, and, famously, cigarette packaging in Australia is infused with the tears of the children of smokers.

Smokers remain unconvinced, however.

“Well no, obviously it’s not very nice; the excrement, nettles and misery,” said 60-a-day smoker Eleanor Gay.

“But I bloody love my fags, so it won’t put me off, I don’t think.”

Mr Williams revealed that the packaging could actually have been much worse.

“Oh yes,” he said, chuckling a little.

“The original idea was to make all cigarette packaging out of mouldy lung.

“But we abandoned that idea because we found that people just assumed it was a haggis.”

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