Tuesday 3 May 2016 by Formelia Alberthine

Bookmakers give ‘Leicester fan returning to work hangover-free’ odds of 5000-1


Hungover leicester fan

Bookmakers are offering odds of 5000-1 on any Leicester fan turning up for work ‘hangover free’ this morning.

After Tottenham’s 2-2 draw with Chelsea had confirmed the Midlands outfit as Premier League Champions for the first time, fans celebrated through the night blissfully uninhibited by any responsibility whatsoever to their employers.

“Honestly, you’d have more chance of finding a junior doctor at work during a strike while being piggy-backed by Elvis Presley than a sober Leicester fan in the workplace this morning,” local man Simon Williams told us.

“I feel like a billionaire member of the Order of the British Empire who has just swanned off with £500 million of his employees’ pensions.

“Its an unmistakable feeling.”

Early reports of a farmer close to the village of Countestthorpe returning to work were quickly dispelled after it was clarified that the removal of an egg from beneath a chicken being was necessary to complete a full English breakfast.

A spokesman for the Office of National Statistics said productivity in the region was expected to remain paltry for the foreseeable future.

“When a once-in-a-lifetime event such as making hundreds of thousands of Tottenham fans cry simultaneously, you can expect there to be celebrations for months.

“And rightly so – I’m going to be calling in sick for the next fortnight myself.”

Bookmakers have released odds for other events deemed more likely to happen in 2016:

  • Bill Cosby to appear in the latest version of the Karma Sutra 250-1
  • Bruce Forsyth’s remains to be put on display in the Natural History Museum, 500-1
  • Ken Livingstone to be invited to a Bar Mitzvah 1500-1
  • Katie Hopkins having sex with an immigrant 10,000-1
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