Friday 29 April 2016 by Harry Palmer

Weasel that sabotaged Large Hadron Collider ‘acted alone’ say Police


Large Hadron Collider taken down by weasel

The weasel that shut down the Large Hadron Collider by gnawing through a power cable was a ‘lone wolf’, according to Swiss Police.

Despite earlier rumours circulating on social media linking the incident to Islamic terror groups, Police Chief Walter Voight told a press conference in Geneva that the weasel, 2-year old Willy Ackerman, acted alone.

“The first responders found a note beside his tiny charred remains,” Voight told reporters. ‘It seems that Ackerman had been depressed lately and wanted to go out in a blaze of glory’.

“It seems that Ackerman had been depressed lately after a failed relationship and wanted to go out in a blaze of glory.”

Ackerman’s Mother Louisa confirmed that her son had been acting strangely in recent weeks.

“Willy hadn’t been himself lately,” said Mrs Ackerman. ‘He broke up with his girlfriend in March and had been having a hard time at school. I told him that time was a great healer but he pointed out that because

“He broke up with his girlfriend in March and had been having a hard time at school.

“I told him that time was a great healer but he pointed out that because weasels only live for 4-6 years he was already running out of time.”

Ackerman’s sister Heidi believes that her brother wanted to go down in history.

“He had been acting strangely,” says Heidi.

“He told me last week that he was planning something big and that soon every weasel, stoat and polecat in the world would know his name.

“I didn’t think much of it but when I heard what happened at CERN I knew Willy must have been involved.”

In response to the heightened interest in the Large Hadron Collider, the government has raised the threat level of media appearances by Professor Brian Cox to ‘critical’.

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