Friday 29 April 2016 by Neil Tollfree

Church of England denies doping claims


Justin Welby

The Church of England has moved quickly to deny any suggestions of doping amongst vicars.

“Any claims that there is a culture of performance enhancing chemicals in the Church are utterly false,” said Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby.

The Church of England, more than any other religions, has found its reputation tainted by associations with doping since it’s popularity boomed in the 1560s but has always maintained there is no widespread systemic doping programme.

However, a Vicar from a rural parish told a very different story.

“Everyone’s on it,” he said, surrounded in his vestry by syringes and pills.

“It’s the only way we can compete with the big boys.

“I mean, have you seen the Catholics? They are absolutely loaded; they can afford the best people, the best equipment. How can we keep up with that?

“We can’t, so we have to take every opportunity possible to give us whatever advantage we can.”

In response to the revelations, the Archbishop gave a more considered response.

“Yes, perhaps we have the odd Rector and Vicar who use steroids and whatnot but they are the exception and not the rule and when found are dealt with immediately.”

He also confessed that it was very difficult to successfully monitor all the clergy for signs of wrongdoing

“If only we had someone within the Church who had the power to keep an eye on absolutely everyone all at once, perhaps we could stamp this out once and for all.”

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