Friday 29 April 2016 by Shaun Stevenson

AA and RAC insist world record traffic jam ‘can be beaten’


Traffic jam

The AA and the RAC have issued a joint statement today calling on motorists across the UK to come together and ‘annihilate’ the world record for the longest traffic jam, this bank holiday weekend.

The previous record, which has stood since August 2009, involved half a million cars gridlocking roads between Sunderland and Cardiff for the whole weekend.

At one point the combined noise from the horns, swearing drivers and wailing little bastards in the back, reached 140 decibels, the equivalent to a jet engine taking off or Brian Blessed laughing right down your earhole.

Simon Williams, spokesperson for the RAC’s ‘Karnage’ campaign, is enthusiastic about the possibility of success.

“We can like totally smash this muthafucka,” he said, battering his chest like a gorilla playing ping pong with his own nipples.

“All we need is for every motorist up and down the country to simultaneously leave early to avoid the rush, and B-I-N-G-O! We’ll be in business baby!

“And since this is what every daft fucker is gonna do anyway, that record is ours. I can almost smell the success. Yummy! Whiffs like the petrol Jeremy Clarkson splashes on as aftershave.”

However, extreme ‘jammer’ Burt Gryllis, a veteran of the previous world record, had this warning for those thinking of joining the attempt.

“It’s not for amateurs,” he said. “In 2009, kidneys were popping like bubble-wrap all along the M60.

“I’d done the brutal New York jam of 2005, but even I was caught out, and found myself pissing into an empty Fanta bottle.

“Then I had to drink it again twelve hours later. Have you ever swigged warm Carlsberg? It wasn’t quite that bad, but it was close.”

But when asked, Simon Williams waved away Gryllis’ concerns with an airy cry of ‘worrywort’.

“It’ll be one to tell your grandkids about,” he twinkled. “Some of whom will probably have been born by the time you get home again.”

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