Wednesday 27 April 2016 by Gary Stanton

Fish refusing to be wrapped in The Sun newspaper


Fish refusing to be wrapped in The Sun

Fish across Britain are refusing to be wrapped in the nation’s favourite shit-rag.

As Murdoch’s papers were the only ones not to lead with the Hillsborough verdict, our slippery ancestors said the paper has had its chips.

Atlantic cod were among the first to turn up the two nostril-like apertures at the front of their faces at the ‘newspaper’.

They were swiftly followed by haddock and plaice who insisted the paper had gone downhill since Gary Bushell left.

The news will come as a blow for The Sun, already reeling after a majority of the public said they would no longer be using it to line their cat’s litter tray.

Michael, a five-year-old sustainable Dover Sole, who only reads it for the tits said, “Four billion years of evolution and you come up with Kelvin McKenzie.

“When the time comes I’d prefer to be wrapped in a more upmarket newspaper, like The Daily Star.”

Nigel, a mature haddock who yearns to be served with tartar sauce and a slice of lemon said, “I used to read it on the shitter, but now I wouldn’t wipe my arse on it.”

However, a small shoal of North Sea pollock said they found the stories easy to follow.

Cod, Simon Williams, added, “Never mind the pollocks.”

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