Monday 25 April 2016 by Shaun Stevenson

New claims London Marathon competitor used performance enhancing ‘zero-gravity’


Tim Peake runs marathon

Chichester man, Tim Peake, was embroiled in controversy yesterday after he admitted using performance enhancing ‘zero-gravity’ to run the London Marathon.

Peake, who includes furthering the noble destiny of humankind and naked camel-wrestling amongst his hobbies, confessed that his daily use of zero-gravity, means his feet don’t even touch the ground when he runs.

“A scandal’s what it is,” professional arse-sitter Simon Williams said between gobfuls of pastry and gravy.

“With what Tim Peake was using, I could’ve run the marathon myself. But full gravity’s a right bastard when you’re twenty-two stone and have a dodgy knee.”

Mr Williams grew even crosser when he relayed how he’d watched footage of Tim Peake running.

“It wasn’t even the proper course,” he moaned, “the smug twat was just on some stupid treadmill somewhere. Fuck knows how he got away with it.

“Anyway, I got so cross I was as red in the face as I am when I have to try and go upstairs.”

But Peake, who completed the marathon in what was described as being ‘an out of this world record breaking time’, was unrepentant.

“Ha ha,” he said, “Twenty-six miles is like totally for wimps. I actually went right around the world twice in that time.

“In your face you earth-locked losers!”

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