Friday 22 April 2016 by Neil Tollfree

Celebrities could be extinct by 2018


Man worried about fate of celebrities

Scientists have issued a stark warning that by the year 2018 celebrities as we understand them will be extinct.

“It’s shocking,” said celebritologist Dr Simon Williams.

“But I’ve checked the figures and there’s simply no way of getting around it; if we keep letting celebrities die unchecked at the current rate then by the end of 2018, there will be none left.”

Dr Williams is urging drastic measures to combat the threat.

“Firstly, anyone who had a hit in the eighties or earlier is to be immediately moved to a special germ-free glass dome or ‘celebridome’ where their medical well-being can be strictly monitored at all times.”

All other celebrities are to have any sharp and/or explosive objects confiscated.

A potential plan for creating more celebrities has hit a setback.

“Well, I had been working on the idea of a breeding programme, but Prince would have been key to that plan so losing him is quite a blow.”

15-year-old Jamie Matthews said the findings had made him reevaluate his future career aspirations.

He told us, “I was hoping to grow up and be famous, but I think now I’ll try to do something a little safer, like being a firefighter or a stuntman.”

Asked what a future without celebrities would look like, Dr Williams painted a terrifying picture.

“Firstly, no Heat, Ok!, or Hello! magazines, which means you’ll have nothing to flick through on the bog round at your girlfriend’s place.

“Sunday papers would just be full of news, ‘I’m a celebrity get me out of here’ would be terribly disappointing, and the only people to play pop concerts would be the support acts you’ve never heard of.

“And speaking for myself, I don’t know what I’d do without a regular celebrity sex-tape.”

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