Friday 22 April 2016 by Davywavy

Barack Obama encourages Britain to remain in the Human Centipede


Barack Obama

President Barack Obama has today encouraged Britain to retain its ‘prestigious and important’ fourth place in the Human Centipede.

Fourth place in the centipede is a vital link in the chain of shared sovereignty and increases the country’s respect and influence internationally; he told Britain while keeping a perfectly straight face.

While conceding that Greece, currently occupying the last place in the centipede, ‘may well be dead’, Obama highlighted that Spain, Portugal and Italy are still twitching occasionally and Britain plays a vital function in the passage of material to ensure they stay that way.

Obama acknowledged that an insider might consider the human centipede to be a hellish and unnatural construct of incompatible bodies inexpertly stitched together, but as far as he’s concerned, as an outsider, it’s the best place for other people to be.

“Great Britain performs an important role in the human centipede, promoting a liberal and global view of the world and helping break down sweetcorn,” he wrote in an article in the Daily Telegraph.

“Now Feed.”

Several other nations including Sweden have expressed interest in leaving the centipede should Britain vote to do so, but are reluctant to go first as life in a centipede-free world may not be to their taste, as it were.

The head of the centipede has threatened dire consequences were Britain to leave but has not been specific because they have yet to think of anything that’s actually worse.

“If you aren’t in the human centipede you might not get enough to eat,” it was suggested.

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