Tuesday 19 April 2016 by Neil Tollfree

US cinema chain to discontinue showing ‘intrusive’ films


Cineman phones

US cinema chain AMC have announced that they plan on discontinuing the process of showing films as ‘millennials’ find them distracting and intrusive when trying to text each other.

The chain recently announced they would be allowing texting in their cinema in order to attract more millennials.

“Yeah, that’s not going to be enough,” said AMC head Adam Aron.

“See, millennials want to be texting their buddies, constantly, at all times. They don’t need some crazy, totally square ‘film’ bothering them while they try and do it.”

Aron went on to reveal that all seats will be fitted with special smartphone stands on the arms so people don’t have to actually hold their phones, and there will be a special luxury tickets available which will come with a cinema employee who will type out the texts for patrons.

However, so-called ‘millennials’ have hit back. Simon Williams is a 15-year-old from Georgia.

“Maybe if cinemas actually showed movies that weren’t just full of square-jawed white men imbued with ridiculous magic powers, or square-jawed white men trying to make out with unhealthily skinny girls with no bras, or- no, that’s pretty much it for modern cinema.

“And we’re f**king kids, not ‘millennials’!”

Aron claimed he understood.

“How about if we offer a free app as well? Millennials love apps.”

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