Tuesday 19 April 2016

Brexit campaign continues search for spokesperson with single redeeming feature


Vote Leave

The ‘Vote Leave’ campaign have today stepped up their search for a spokesperson who is not universally despised by the electorate.

With Michael Gove today joining Nigel Farage, Boris Johnson, George Galloway and Iain Duncan Smith in calling to leave the EU, Vote Leave strategists have wondered if they will ever find a supporter who isn’t a complete and utter shit.

Vote Leave campaign worker Simon Williams told us, “Just once, we’d like to put someone before the voters and for the public to think ‘oh, they’re nice, I wonder what they think about the referendum’ – is that too much to ask?”

“I’m not asking for Lorraine Kelly or Cheryl Cole, just someone who doesn’t immediately inspire distrust and revulsion in the electorate.

“It’s not like we’re not trying to find such a person. We are, we just haven’t found one. Anywhere.

“Nigel’s ‘pint and fag’ man-of-the-people shtick is wearing a bit thin in the non-racist demographic, and most voters think Iain Duncan Smith is a secret serial killer – that’s what we’re working with.

“It’s difficult because the person we’re looking to represent us is the sort of person who wouldn’t represent us, and those that are more than happy to endorse us, we don’t want because they’re mostly arseholes.”

“And now Michael Gove has added his horrific high-profile voice to our campaign. Jesus, if it’s not one thing it’s another.

“Surely there must be someone out there in the public eye who wants to leave the EU who doesn’t also have a history of screwing the poor, promoting their self-interest or just being a terrible human being.

“If that’s you, please get in touch. Please.”

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