Thursday 14 April 2016

Odds on ‘phone-friendly cinema’ hosting next US mass shooting reduced to evens


Cinema phones

A cinema in the US where patrons will be allowed to text and use their phones is now the red-hot favourite to be the scene of the country’s next mass shooting.

AMC, one of the largest cinema chains in the United States, will allow the use of phones in the hope of attracting ‘millennials’ who can’t abide being parted from a screen for five fucking minutes.

Chief executive Adam Aron told reporters, “We would like to see our customers texting each other and whatsapping away to their heart’s content, and no, we see no reason why this would annoy anyone or ruin anyone else’s experience whatsoever.”

Health and Safety officials have questioned the wisdom of allowing people to use phones during a film in a country where almost everyone can be armed.

Cinema goer Chuck Williams explained, “It’s not that I would definitely kill anyone using a bright phone screen in front of me, so much as I would have to try very, very hard not to.

“Or find a plausible way to make the authorities believe it was self-defence. Like, he came at me with a bright light, so I had to blow him away, right?”

“Look, if you really want more people to come to the cinema, how about you start by not charging the GDP of Angola for a box of popcorn?”

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