Tuesday 12 April 2016 by Lucas Wilde

Efficient passage through airport security is Britain’s biggest turn-on


Airport Security

A speedy airport security clearance is the most sought after quality for Britons.

With some people taking up to three and a half hours to empty their fucking pockets and put the contents into a fucking tray, more and more British people are seeking a partner on the sole premise of being able to do it quickly.

“I know he’s out there somewhere,” swooned singleton, Elizabeth King.

“Somewhere out there is a man who can whip off his belt and separate his laptop from his hand luggage so fast it would give David Cameron’s paper shredder something to think about.

“Financial security and rippling abs are a distant second to someone who can get themselves cleared for a flight to Prague without the need for seven separate trays and a blow-by-blow account regarding what constitutes a metallic object.”

Airport security is not the only efficiency-themed trait that featured in the top ten most desirables; with the ability to choose a coffee before getting to the front of the fucking queue and being able to get your money out of a fucking cash machine in under four fucking minutes coming in at numbers four and eight respectively.

“Just get your act together,” said King.

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