Monday 11 April 2016 by Davywavy

Atheist, teetotal, vegan crossfitter wins title of Britain’s dullest man


Dull man

An atheist, vegan, teetotal crossfitter has been identified as Britain’s dullest man after researchers read his Facebook updates.

Simon Williams, from Penge in Surrey, attracted attention after updating his feed with a picture of a kale and Quinoa shake.

“The caption was ‘Gettin my alcohol-free detox protein blast after a mad workout. I’d thank God but there isn’t one!!!” researchers told us.

“It was that which first made us aware that Simon was almost certainly a very, very dull man.

“But was he the dullest? We had to know.”

Simon’s friends responded to his update with ‘whatevs’ and ‘ffs’, to which Simon replied ‘Great banter lads!’, which gave the team hope they’d happened on a singularly tedious individual.

Looking further into Simon’s status updates, the research team concluded it unlikely he’d ever had an original thought in his life.

“It was all memes about how people who agree with him are clever, deadlift stats, and photographs of obscure vegetables and rants about how great they are.

“And we actually had to read this. Jesus it was dull.”

Scrolling down further, it was discovered that Simon had posted lots of updates about Bernie Sanders, despite not being eligible to vote in the US elections.

“This was really exciting,” we were told.

“Or rather it wasn’t at all, but you know what I mean.”

At time of writing Simon is understood to be explaining to co-workers that he can’t have the hot chocolate from the office coffee machine because he doesn’t eat sugar.

“My body is a temple,” he said.

“Treated in a culturally appropriate and respectful fashion that recognises the achievement of its people.

“Hey, where are you going? Don’t you want to know how many deadlifts I can do?”

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