Thursday 7 April 2016 by Davywavy

Galactic Empire sacks Death Star Health & Safety Officer


Galactic Empire health and safety record

The Galactic Empire has sacked their Health & Safety officer after he told them that walkways without handrails over bottomless ventilation shafts formed a potential trip hazard.

Sy-Mon Snootles, who is fluent in over six million forms of Health and Safety legislation, warned bosses that people could regularly topple down the gigantic chasms which are a distinctive feature of Imperial architecture.

Many of these unguarded pits lead directly to the reactor core, which he described as ‘an accident waiting to happen’ in his report.

Snootles claims he was then given his marching orders and has decided to turn whistleblower in the five minutes he’s got left before someone force chokes him.

“I’ve got a list of bottomless pit accidents as long as your arm but nobody wanted to hear it,” he told us.

“Darth Maul? Bottomless pit. Darth Sideous? Bottomless pit into the reactor core. Han Solo? Bottomless pit.

“Okay so Luke Skywalker survived falling into one but that’s one person. One person!

“Would you believe the Empire doesn’t even record stormtrooper/ bottomless pit incidents? There’s not even an accident book. It’s an outrage”.

Sy-Mon went on to describe how a Proton Torpedo even accidentally dropped down a bottomless shaft into the reactor core could have catastrophic consequences, before gurgling horribly and collapsing back into his seat stone dead.

Imperial insiders suggest that the architecture contract being given to Supreme Leader Snoke’s 9-year old nephew Timmy may explain the popularity of huge lasers, bottomless pits and biggest spacecraft EVER, but none would comment on the record as they feared for both their career and their oesophagus.

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