Monday 4 April 2016 by Dan Sweryt

Jack Wilshere disappointed at still not being let into nightclubs


Jack Wilshere nightclub

England international Jack Wilshere has spoken of his disgust at never having gotten into a nightclub in his life, despite the fact he is very rich and therefore much better than everyone else.

Speaking to Wilshere outside Harvey Fistsmashers’, Hitchin’s premier celebrity hangout, he said: “I hang around outside these nightclubs nearly every night on the off-chance that one day I will get into one of them.

“Obviously, because I am a massive dickhead, this very often gets me into altercations for no other reason than me telling people how much money I have, how I am better than them and how they are idiots for paying for an Arsenal season ticket.”

Bouncer Simon Williams said, “Due to my questionable ‘removal policy’, I have worked at nearly every nightclub in the country and there’s only one that Jack Wilshere hasn’t tried to get in to: Stevie G’s in Liverpool.

“I’ve never, ever seen him get into a nightclub. I originally thought it was because he was always wearing trainers, as part of his boot deal, but discussing it with other bouncers, it’s because the word ‘bellend’ was invented for Jack Wilshere.

“Now, I looked that up and apparently, it’s not true, but it is a metaphor.”

Wilshere jumped to his own defence: “Honestly, what’s the world coming to if a hotshot, arrogant twat of a footballer can’t try to get into a girl’s pants in front of their long-suffering other half’s face? I despair, I really do.”

He said this whilst continually flicking our reporter’s ear, until a violent fight broke out between the reporter and Wilshere’s hangers-on, whilst Wilshere ran away like a scared little girl.

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