Monday 4 April 2016 by Gary Stanton

ISAs are bollocks, confirm super-rich


Super rich not interested in ISAs

ISAs are total bollocks according to the world’s wealthiest one per cent.

Papers leaked from Panama law firm Mossack Fonseca reveal anyone sticking twenty grand into a perfectly legal onshore ISA is a total mug.

The documents show the best way to retire at fifty five is by opening an illegal offshore account using the name Donald Duck.

Experts say the trend in offshore money laundering began in the late eighties following the high-profile investigations into Ken Dodd’s lumpy mattress.

Offshore Bank Manager Simon Williams said, “Sadly, poor people still think money laundering means hiding it in a washing machine.”

Williams claims his bank offers a range of attractive rates to big name drug dealers, Conservative MPs and Raheem Sterling.

“Our Elite Secret Saver account allows you ready access to your money in the event that you need to topple a regime somewhere.

“We’ve got branches in the Isle of Man, the Seychelles and Honduras so why not come in for a chat?”

He added, “Unfortunately the name Donald Duck has already been taken but Snow White and Goofy are still up for grabs.”

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