Friday 1 April 2016 by Lucas Wilde

Sudden candle shortage


Candles shortage

Britain finds itself mysteriously short of candles this morning.

The phallic shafts of light have always been popular but have been flying from the shelves since the sad announcement that Ronnie Corbett has died at the age of 85.

“I assume it’s something to do with him,” said hardware store owner, Simon Williams.

“We’ve also nearly run out of fork handles and one strange man was even offering to purchase my bollocks from me, which hadn’t happened for a few months now.

“I wish I’d watched more of the Two Ronnies as this might then make sense to me. As things stand, I’m assuming either everyone’s gone mental or a lot of parents got jiggy about nine months ago and a load of birthdays have landed on the same day.”

Williams pointed out that he still had one or two individual candles left, but combo packs of four have completely sold out.

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