Friday 1 April 2016 by Dan Sweryt

Buy-to-let landlords demand ‘extortionate’ rise in sympathy


buy to let landlord

Landlords are demanding sympathy rises well in excess of inflation after new Stamp Duty rates were quickly introduced to hit them hard when purchasing new property.

In a surprise move by the Chancellor, where he unexpectedly ended up looking like a good guy, rates were increased to 3%, forcing a lot of diamond-shoed millionaire landlords to question why no-one was making a big fuss for them or starting a government petition in their honour.

Emperor of the Landlords, Simon Williams said, “Now when I try to buy a house, I have to pay five grand more in Stamp Duty than last week! That’s nearly as much as I make in three days renting out one of my health hazard, cockroach-infested, one-bedroom ‘studio flats’ with a bucket for a toilet!

“Not one person has come over and patted me on the back, telling me it’s going to be okay.

“Which is a good job, cos they shouldn’t be touching what they can’t afford.

“I’m not made of money!” he added, as his reconstructed nose fell away to reveal the distinctive thin metal line and Queen’s portrait of a fifty pound note.

Landlords have been widely criticised as the reason that the housing bubble has not yet burst, having strengthened the bubble’s exterior by putting on a extra-solid garden gate lock from Homebase, usually reserved for tenants’ toilet doors, and then ‘putting a bit of WD40 on it’.

It has been further galvanised by outsourcing the management of these properties to an even worse subset of people: estate agents, who last week collected the top accolade at the ‘Most Heinous’ awards for the fifth consecutive year, despite strong resurgence of 2nd-placed ‘70s DJs’ in a competition that saw Satan dropping out of the top 10 for the first time.

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