Wednesday 30 March 2016 by Neil Tollfree

San Bernardino killer’s iTunes collection ‘total shit’ says FBI


San Bernardino iphone music

After months of legal wrangling, the case of the San Bernardino killer’s iPhone has ended in disappointment after it was revealed that his iTunes collection is of very poor quality.

The FBI finally broke into the phone after trying the killer’s birthday as the passcode, but with little to show for it.

“Shit, just total shit,” said Agent Simon Williams.

“Celine Dion, Take That, a shocking amount of Kiss – how can someone like ‘Crazy, crazy nights’ enough to have nine different versions of it.”

The FBI had been pressing Apple to unlock the killer’s iPhone to see if he had anything good in his music collection.

“Loads of German marching band music, how can anyone listen to that shit? I guess they started two world wars just to drown out that shitty-ass tuba disaster.”

The iTunes statistics revealed that the killer’s most listened to song was ‘Sexy and I know it,’ by LMFAO.

Although an iTunes leak several years ago revealed this to be Syrian President Bashar Al-Assad’s most played song, there is thought to be no connection between the two.

His film collection is understood to be equally poor.

“Paul Blart Mall Cop, 1 and 2,” continued Agent Williams, shaking his head in disbelief.

“Swept Away, Octopussy, the Star Wars prequels! Really, the Star Wars prequels? And this guy was allowed access to a gun?”

Although the iTunes contents will play no further part in the investigation, the FBI are now confident of hacking into the killer’s Hotmail after someone suggested typing in his birthday in reverse.

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