Wednesday 30 March 2016 by Benedict Farkerhausen

Government working tirelessly to appear to be working tirelessly for steel solution


Tata Steel needs government help

The UK Government have announced they are working tirelessly to look like they are doing something to solve the crisis in the UK’s steel industry.

As thousands wait to hear if they will still have a job, Whitehall officials are scrambling to explain why their busy schedules mean they cannot intervene and what they are planning on doing to help.

A spokesman said: “It’s obviously a very difficult time for those in the steel industry in this country, but spare a thought for the ministers, junior ministers and countless aides who are desperately trying to make it look like they are somehow helping, despite obviously not doing anything to actually help.

“It’s very tricky when people ask why aren’t we in India trying to find a solution, and it can be totally exhausting thinking of an excuse that will placate the badgering bastards in Fleet Street and those angry Union blokes.

“You would think we would have a long list of excuses ready to go, thanks to our proud history of doing nothing to save British industry, but there is only so many times you can roll out Sajid Javid in front of the press before they stop falling for it.

“We could really use some time off after all this.”

Steelworker Simon Williams said, “This could all be solved a lot faster if we just tell the government we are a finance or venture capital firm in need of help, and that we just operate out of steel factories because industrial-chic is in right now.”

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