Sunday 27 March 2016 by Neil Tollfree

England football team to win World Cup, cure cancer, bring back Spangles


England fans against Germany

The England football team have been hailed as the greatest men of all-time after their astonishing fight back to beat Germany 3-2 in a friendly last night.

“This is the single most impressive achievement in the history of mankind,” said ‘pundit’ Alan Shearer after the game.

“Frankly, the England team right now make Winston Churchill, Mother Teresa and Jesus look like a bunch of layabouts.

“And to be fair, their achievements certainly seem less impressive in the wake of what England managed last night.”

Fellow pundit Ian Wright found himself too exhausted to speak after spending the last twelve hours frantically masturbating over Jamie Vardy’s back-heel goal.

Expectations are now high for Roy Hodgson’s boys, with European & World Cup triumph the bare minimum.

“I’d be disappointed if we didn’t dominate football for at least the next century,” continued Shearer.

“But that’s just the start, I can see this team going on to cure cancer, have a string of Number One singles, bring back Spangles, Texans, and Pacers, evolve wings, colonise Mars, win Ken Bruce’s Popmaster, popularise Opera and flawlessly burp the National Anthem with four-part harmonies.

“Or they could just crash out of the Euros on penalties to Portugal.”

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