Thursday 24 March 2016 by Davywavy

Queen to use extended pub opening hours for ‘massive birthday bender’


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The Queen plans to use extended opening hours on her 90th birthday to get ‘well messy’ in her local, Buckingham Palace has confirmed.

Pubs will be allowed to stay open until 1am to celebrate the Queen’s birthday because she’s knocking on a bit and thinks she might need a few extra hours to drink her age in pints.

Her Majesty is a regular in the palace local, the Bag o’ Nails on Buckingham Palace Road, where she is unbeaten on the pool table largely because the Guards Regiment have made it clear they’ll beat the snot out of anyone who wins a game against her.

Palace equerry Sir Simon Williams KCMG indicated to waiting reporters that nobody had better touch the jukebox all day either, as Liz is a big fan of Kylie.

“She’s given strict instructions that anyone putting on Adele or One Direction is to be taken to the Tower to await execution, and is confident the Nation is behind her on this.

“The Queen has spent many years building up a tolerance to Gin, and intends to put it to good use on her Birthday.

“A few years back she had a drinking competition with Prince Andrew and put him under the table. It was a bit like the drinking scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark, only with more Gurkhas.”

Having matched Prince Harry pint for pint the Queen then plans to attend a special birthday event in the bogs known euphemistically as ‘Trooping the technicolour yawn’ before celebrating multicultural Britain by picking up a kebab on her way back to her house round the corner.

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