Monday 21 March 2016 by Neil Tollfree

Stephen Crabb to introduce benefits for people with crap beards


Stephen Crabb

New Work and Pensions Secretary Stephen Crabb is to introduce a new special benefit for people unable to grow a proper beard.

People will be able to claim the benefit if their beards are wispy, slight, annoying or stupid.

“Having a crap beard is a terrible curse in modern society,” said Mr Crabb, voice shaking with emotion.

“Every day thousands of men across the country face waking up and looking into the mirror to see a thin, peculiarly coloured or just plain pathetic beard on their face.

“I want these men to know that this government understands them and will help them.”

Mr Crabb has been a passionate advocate of the rights of men with crap beards throughout his political career.

“On a personal level, I hope that I can prove inspiration as I too have a crap beard, and yet despite this, I have managed to reach the dizzy heights of yes-man to George Osborne while he dismantles the welfare state.”

It is understood the benefit will be conditional on a ‘crap beard’ assessment by Atos.

Labour have been surprisingly supportive of the new benefit.

“Help for people with stupid or annoying beards?” said leader Jeremy Corbyn.

“Yes, I think I can definitely get behind that.”

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