Wednesday 16 March 2016

At least we didn’t rape anyone, insist Cheltenham Festival footballers


Cheltenham Festival

Footballers accused of urinating into a glass and pouring it over a balcony at the Cheltenham festival have told reporters that at least nobody was sexually assaulted.

The footballers, from teams such as MK Dons and Northampton Town, claim that restricting themselves to ‘drunken antics with glasses of piss’ shows how far the behaviour of professional footballers in public has come in recent years.

A spokesperson for the Professional Footballer’s Association told us, “There were no rapes, there were no sexual assaults, no-one touched any kids inappropriately – all in all I’d class that as a good day out.

“Sure, someone threw warm piss in the general direction of members of the public, but if earning thousands of pounds a week doesn’t mean you can throw a bit of piss about, then what’s the bloody point?

“If the worst thing that happens when someone goes near a footballer is getting a bit of piss on them, then I’d call that progress.”

MK Dons fan Simon Williams told us, “When you consider the dirge we’ve seen on the pitch this season, I’ll be honest and say I was surprised to see any of our players actually pass urine into the glass, rather than directly to the opposition.

“That said, he was probably aiming for the toilet.”

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