Tuesday 8 March 2016 by Dan Sweryt

Nike run out of athletes


Nike Sponsorship

Nike have officially run out of top athletes to sponsor, a spokesman has admitted this morning.

Having pulled out of its Maria Sharapova deal, and with athletes and cyclists also under scrutiny after the ‘No-one Understands Why Lance Armstrong’s Not In Prison’ debacle, a grammatically-challenged source close to Nike claims that they’ve now ‘been burned by every single sport star they’ve ever signed ever’.

With every sport now subject to close scrutiny, it appears there isn’t a single top athlete who hasn’t been subjected to an investigation in any of the sports. Right down to chess.

Nike’s Public Relations Manager Simon Williams stated, “Our top athlete is now John Baines, 42, who plays right-back for the Dog and Duck in Bradford Sunday Alliance division 4b.”

He stopped to snort a line, before continuing, “Oh YEAH! That’s the ticket!”

“John’s a heavy smoker and drinker, and hasn’t actually finished a match in 16 years. But he’s the only athlete we could find who hasn’t taken some sort of banned substance.

“That’ll probably change by next week, as he finished the 19-0 defeat to the Hare and Hounds with quite a severe coughing fit.”

Baines this morning signed a deal for £50 million-a-year to endorse Nike’s seriously misjudged new ‘skin-tight-for-fatsos’ football shirts and one of those baseball caps that dispenses beer via a bendy straw.

This is on top of his £100-a-week salary with Dodgy Sid’s Motors of Cleckheaton, where he is an unqualified mechanic.

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