Wednesday 2 March 2016 by Benedict Farkerhausen

iPhone 7 will be waterboard resistant


iPhone 7 security features

The next generation of iPhone will be resistant to waterboarding by all major security and intelligence agencies following concerns over data protection.

The tech giant has been inundated with messages from concerned customers who believe that their phone may leak all of their personal data if subjected to interrogation tactics used by global intelligence agencies.

32-year-old Simon Williams, an iPhone 6 user said, “Christ if MI5 or the CIA could see what I get up to on my iPhone then my life would be over – there’s a video on there of Big Dave getting his knob out at Christmas…you just have to see it.

“But if my iPhone was a grass – and sometimes when I talk to Siri she sounds like a right bloody Judas – it could have major ramifications for at least five people I know.”

A spokesman for Apple said, “Our customers were concerned that their iPhone might start squealing if placed in a stress position, or was subject to torture such as being forced to play David Grey’s Babylon on loop for 72 hours.

“But customer should rest assured, we’ve subjected the beta version of the iPhone 7 to Guantanamo-levels of interrogation, and we can confirm that Siri keeps her pretty little mouth shut the entire time.”

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