Tuesday 1 March 2016 by Neil Tollfree

Official: Hollywood stars better than you


Oscars, Hollywood

Sunday night’s Oscars confirmed once and for all that Hollywood superstars are much better than the likes of you.

Leonardo DiCaprio won the best Actor Oscar which is almost certainly something you have never done or never will, and even if you did, you wouldn’t look as unspeakably handsome as Mr DiCaprio does in a tuxedo.

In fact all Hollywood stars last night proved to be better at wearing clothes than you, looking stunning to a person whereas it’s all you can do to pick the crisps out of your hair before going to work.

The winning film was Spotlight which bravely shone a light on the Catholic Church child abuse scandal whereas you don’t even know the shortcut to copy and paste the contents of one Excel spreadsheet field to another.

Film stars are only a tiny bit racist, whereas you hardly know any black people at all and only like ‘positive’ hip-hop like De-La-Soul.

The average Hollywood superstar earns more money sitting on the toilet playing Candy Crush than you will do in your entire life.

In almost every single way the Hollywood stars at the Oscars are better than you and if they didn’t need you to go and see their next three-hour treatise on man’s place in nature then they’d all jet off to live on another planet because they’re too brilliant to need oxygen.

Grown-ups 2, Mortdecai, Paul Blart: Mall Cop are all currently available on Amazon.

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