Thursday 18 February 2016 by Lucas Wilde

31% British Gas profit rise ‘definitely due to increased sales not price fuckery’


British Gas profits increase

British Gas made an absolute shit-ton of cash last year thanks to their hard work and dedication to gas.

The gas giant (metaphor, not the actual space thing) declared profits of £574m for last year.

“And it’s all thanks to the hard work of our staff,” said gas bastard, Simon Williams, struggling to keep a straight face.

“Yes, that’s it, sheer dedication. Not the fact that we’ve charged your nan an arm, a leg and her cat just to survive the winter, or that crude oil prices have gone through the floor but ours have continued to go through the roof.

“It is simply the case that we are a group of very hard working individuals.

“It is certainly not accurate to suggest that each and every one of us is the kind of morally bankrupt satan-sperm that would happily sell our own mothers to white slave traders if the price was right. That isn’t accurate at all.

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have evil champagne to drink.”

The public were less joyful, as per usual.

Elizabeth King, a mother and a woman, said, “we just burn things now.”

“We’ve burnt nearly everything. Books, old furniture, the dog… we’ve started raiding forests for wood now.

“It is a little undignified but not quite as shameful as paying what British Gas considers ‘a fair price’.”

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