Monday 15 February 2016 by Gary Stanton

Laser pens to defeat Islamic State


Laser pointer

The West will defeat ISIS by blinding the fuckers with laser pens, according to reports this morning.

As ground-based terrorists nearly succeeded in bringing down a packed 747, military analysts identified a crucial new weapon in the fight against the name-changing jihadist bellends.

Experts believe the kind of pens used to highlight things on a blackboard may succeed where cluster bombs and white phosphorous shells have thus far failed.

The MoD has issued a laser pen amnesty and Geography teachers across Britain are now being invited to come forward and empty their pockets.

Top Defence Analyst, Simon Williams, said “In trials, a laser pen previously used to highlight the curvature of an oxbow lake was used to impair the sight of a heavily retina-dependent ISIS brigade.”

Meanwhile, the Raqqa branch of Specsavers has reported record queues as ISIS fighters stumble into doors and knock display cabinets over.

The slimline gadgets also have huge benefits on the domestic front and members of the public are being encouraged to “pack laser heat” when attending French-sounding eateries.

Williams continued, “Not only do laser pens offer diners the chance to blind machine gun wielding fanatics, they can also be used to attract the attention of passing waiters.”

He added “This represents the biggest military advance since we equipped the RAF with daily disposable contact lenses.”

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