Monday 15 February 2016 by Spacey

In/Out EU campaigns in battle to convince public the other will be much more terrifying


EU referendum

Both campaigns in the EU referendum are continuing their battle to convince voters that everyone’s life will be much scarier if the other one wins.

With neither side able to present any positive reasons to vote In or Out, the public are faced with the dilemma of deciding which option will be less catastrophic.

“It is entirely possible that a vote for In will open a portal to hell that will suck the entire UK into the arms of Satan,” warned chairman of the Vote Leave campaign Lord Lawson.

The warning was countered by former deputy prime minister Nick Clegg, who claimed, “A vote for Out will cause a plague of shape-shifting cannibal clouds to descend on millions of UK workers.”

Ukip leader Nigel Farage weighed into the argument by insisting that Mr Clegg was being “ridiculous”.

“Clouds change shape anyway, and if they were cannibals they would just eat other clouds,” he argued.

“It’s the flesh-eating zombie clouds created by EU fishing quotas that are the real issue.”

He went on to say, “The UK will sink into the sea under the weight of immigrants if we don’t vote Out.

“The failure of Muslims to integrate will cause the sea to turn to hydrochloric acid and Britain will completely dissolve.”

Shortly afterwards Prime Minister David Cameron gave a speech in which he said: “An EU exit will mean that refugees move to Dover from camps in Calais, disguise themselves as allotments and molest your sheds.”

A party political broadcast by Ukip warning that a failure to exit the EU would result in terrorists blowing up the national anthem has received hundreds of complaints.

Meanwhile, the US Secretary of State John Kerry has urged the UK to remain within the EU by repeating ‘Russia’ and ‘aggression’ over a soundtrack featuring a string quartet playing a sinister chord progression.

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