Monday 15 February 2016 by Lucas Wilde

Cocaine dealer wins BAFTA Lifetime Achievement award


Baftas

A cocaine dealer has been recognised for his contribution to the film and television industry.

Simon Williams, 38, has spent the last seventeen years dealing cocaine to stars such as [redacted], [redacted] and even [redacted]; most famous for his time as James Bond.

“It’s a real honour,” said Williams, to a grateful audience.

“I have tears in my eyes, and not just from the tiny shards of glass found within my own low quality product.

“I’d like to thank my parents, who were never there for me, and my fellow drug dealers who are wise enough to stay the fuck off my patch.

“But most of all thanks to you, the stars; without your Dyson-esque noses and addictive natures, I doubt I’d be standing here today.

“Though if I wasn’t, a lot of you wouldn’t have turned up and would instead just be hammering on my door at 1am, as usual.”

Williams received the longest ovation of the night and took a whopping fifteen minutes to return to his seat, having had to shake hands with the entire cast of The Big Short in a rather shady manner.

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