Sunday 14 February 2016 by Daniel Hopkins

Bow and arrow wielding Cupid shot dead by armed response unit


Cupid shot by armed response unit

God of desire and the cherubic love angel Cupid was earlier today shot dead by armed police in London, after reports he was seen with a bow and arrow.

Police received calls at around 8AM this morning from a number of people who claimed to see an armed man flying around parks and coffee shops in the capital.

When they arrived on the scene, they found Cupid firing a love shaped arrow into a man, who subsequently began talking to a woman he had idly been staring at.

Police immediately opened fire and Cupid was shot three times. He was rushed to hospital where Doctor’s attempted to stop bleeding in his wing but he died soon after.

Sergeant Brian Carver of the Metropolitan Police told reporters, “I don’t care if he’s a mythical creature that brings love to people – if he’s carrying a weapon, for whatever purposes, I can guarantee that he will be shot down.

When it was later discovered that Cupid held a divine weapons licence, Sergeant Carver said, “I’m afraid heavenly laws just don’t apply here. I suggest he should have tried the States.”

The case has now been referred to the IPCC, who will hold a joint debate with the Church of England, Paddy McGuiness and Fred Sirieix to see if any love crime was committed.

Now living in a world without love, London commuter Simon Williams said, “A world without love eh? So I guess that means war, murder, rape, crime, racism, homophobia and people living out a miserable existence on a daily basis then?

“Wait, how long’s Cupid been dead?”

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