Tuesday 9 February 2016 by Lucas Wilde

School music classes to be replaced by office etiquette classes


bored in class

Britain’s schoolchildren are to be reminded that life is no fun whatsoever.

With children continuing to cling onto concepts such as “dreams” or “ambitions”, the government is to take drastic steps to insure that they will in fact be hammered and shaped into the office drones of the future.

“So wave goodbye to the tambourine,” smiled Education Minister, Simon Williams.

“The music classrooms will be stripped of any colourful posters, and all of the instruments are to be melted down and turned into more useful things, like barbed wire, pens or guns.

“They will instead be taught how to fake interest in someone’s weekend plans, how to use a water cooler and how to stare at a screen full of meaningless drivel with a sense of intent until they are told they can go home.

“These children are not here to experience anything akin to joy, I’m afraid. They are here to learn about things in which they generally have neither ability nor interest, so that they might secure jobs that they will resent, in order to buy nice things they will not have time to enjoy.

“These are the best days of their lives. And it’s high time that stopped.”

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