Monday 8 February 2016 by DavyWavy

Backseat driverless car to automatically eject children and in-laws


Google car

Google have reported they are working on a backseat driverless car which will automatically eject children and your in-laws.

The newly developed driving control AI will instantly recognise the potential threats of comments like ‘Are we nearly there’, and ‘Shouldn’t you have turned left back there’ and automatically trigger an ejection seat which fires passengers through the sunroof.

They have confirmed a comical ‘b-Boiiiiing’ noise will be made as it does so.

The system can be programmed to recognise varying degrees of threat to your driving, and at the most sensitive setting a boxing glove on a spring pops out and punches your husband when he ghost brakes.

Google say the new car underlines their commitment to safe driving, as getting rid of pushy passengers will allow you to get on with important driving behaviour such as reading a book or texting.

NewsThump test driver Simone Williams reported that the experimental vehicle was ‘fantastic’.

“My father-in-law had just started to tell me about a great shortcut I should take down the B1165 when the car stopped, the door opened, and a boot popped out of the side panel and hoofed him into the pavement.

“And then a robot arm came out and taped my kids mouths shut.

“It’s a technology that drivers like me have dreamed of for years. It’s really improved road safety as I no longer feel an urge to kill everyone.”

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