Friday 5 February 2016 by Lucas Wilde

UK Government offers Noel Edmonds in exchange for Julian Assange


Noel Edmonds

Britain has officially offered a ‘Bearded Twat Trade-Off’ to the Ecuadorean embassy.

The Home Office made contact with the embassy to propose they trade the slightly-irritating-but-not-sure-why Wikileaks founder for the completely-irritating-because-fucking-look-at-him host of Deal or No Deal.

“It seems fair, they look the same” shrugged Home Office spokesperson, Simon Williams.

“The plus-point for Ecuador is that we are completely prepared to overlook the terms of the Geneva Convention in regards to their treatment of Noel Edmonds, so they should have a lot more fun with him than Assange, who looks like he’s got a fair few stories about model trains.

“We haven’t consulted Edmonds about it as none of us can stand the idea of speaking with him. We’re essentially planning to bag him up and drop him off at the doorstep.”

Elizabeth King of the Ecuadorean Embassy said “No thank you.”

“In fact, we would consider the deployment of Noel Edmonds onto our sovereign soil as an act of war.

“We’ll stick with Assange and his constant retelling of the history of Hornby, thank you very much.”

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