Friday 5 February 2016 by Gary Stanton

Beached migrants wondering how to get same sympathy as beached whales


Beached Whale

Beached sperm whales are now generating more sympathy than the washed-up, distasteful corpses of Syrian children, according to experts.

When asked: “Would you take your children to see a beached whale carcass for scientific or other reasons?” a majority of those surveyed ticked a box marked “Yes, that sounds educational.”

However when the phrase “beached whale carcass” was substituted with “child of Middle-Eastern appearance” the vast huge majority were suddenly not that interested in getting involved.

UK citizens said they found it hard to relate to the hard-luck stories of wretched, drowned orphans because quite often their faces had been pixelated.

Syrians intent on entering the UK via its attractive coastline are now being advised to become more whale-like in attitude and gait.

When quizzed as to how could Syrians could attract more sympathy, answers ranged from ‘develop a blowhole’ to ‘adopt a krill-based diet’.

Others claimed that dead whales were far less likely to claim Invalidity Benefit or set up an underwater caliphate.

Emotionally-fatigued Brits stressed it is not enough to loiter in shallow water, singing mournful melodies with your mates, while firing off the occasional distress flare.

Sperm Whale, Penny Armstrong, who is currently experiencing navigational difficulties near the Brighton shoreline, said, “Is this where they filmed Quadrophenia?”

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