Thursday 4 February 2016 by Gary Stanton

Ted Cruz is not the guy out of Top Gun, Americans told


Ted Cruz not Tom Cruise

Non-actor Ted Cruz has won the Iowa Caucuses after residents thought they were voting for Tom Cruise.

Cruz scored a crucial victory over rival fuckwit Donald J Trump due to his supposed appearance in Top Gun and the fact that he does all his own stunts.

However analysts claim it was as an easy mistake as both men have dark hair and are definitely hugely attracted to women.

His 28% of the Republican vote also puts an end to the challenge of third placed Marco Rubio, who had played a small-time drug dealer in Scarface.

Cruz’s triumph was reward for months spent criss-crossing the state to woo influential morons and Scientologists.

The staunch right-winger has campaigned on a platform of “courageous conservatism” – the kind that builds a massive wall to protect it from its scary, dark-skinned neighbour.

Republican voter Simon Williams said, “I really like his views on immigration – the fact that he did it with Nicole Kidman in Eyes Wide Shut is just a bonus.”

But beaten contender, Donald Trump, said, “People need to take a reality check if they really think an actor could ever become president.”

Few doubt that Cruz can go all the way to the White House, but it is likely to hinge on whether voters have forgiven him for knocking drinks over in Cocktail.

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