Wednesday 3 February 2016 by Gary Stanton

Donald Trump to ban Pelé over Zika virus fears


Trump calls for ban on Pelé entering United States

Donald J Trump is seeking to ban Brazilian football legend Pelé from entering the USA over fears he might be carrying the Zika virus.

Trump insists the ban is necessary while his people figure out ‘just what the hell is going on’ with this Brazilian Muslim-mosquito thing.

The staunch right-winger became suspicious of Pelé’s intentions after the Brazilian failed to use his smallish head once during an impressive display of keepy-uppy.

And officials suspect Pelé’s infection could date back to 1970 after an uncharacteristic challenge on Gordon Banks.

Trump campaign virologists claim symptoms of the Zika virus range from enjoying noisy street carnivals to being very good at football in an effortless way.

Trump’s original plan to build a wall to exclude all foreign mosquitos floundered after it was pointed out that mosquitoes can fly over them.

The Republican nominee has also threatened to exclude other members of the 1970 World Cup winning squad such as Jairzinho and Rivellino on the grounds that “mosquitos don’t show up so well against dark skin.”

The proposed ban comes after the first confirmed case of sexual transmission of the virus between fellow Americans.

Despite the growing crisis, health expert Simon Williams claims Brazilians are still far more likely to die on the London Underground at the hands of the Metropolitan Police.

Meanwhile, fashion conscious American women have been advised that there is no risk of contracting the virus from ‘having a Brazilian’.

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