Wednesday 3 February 2016 by DavyWavy

David Cameron puts a really nice shine on a turd


David Cameron EU settlement

Prime Minister David Cameron has polished a turd to a lively shine today.

The poo, freshly delivered from the European Union to 10 Downing Street,  was ‘in a right state’ when it landed on the mat with a wet thud, but a bit of elbow grease from the PM buffed it up to a respectable gleam.

The turd, which the British public will be voting in a referendum whether to accept or not, represents the European Commission’s best offer to the UK.

All parties are keen for Britain to vote as quickly as possible before reality of the Eurozone crisis really hits home.

Waiting reporters were told that when viewed in a certain light the turd could be mistaken for a rich, warm piece of mahogany, and the bits of sweetcorn could easily be seen as gleaming nuggets of gold from a fair distance.

Displaying the steaming ordure as evidence of the success of his negotiations to repatriate powers, Prime Minister Cameron said it represented a tremendous deal for Britain and that voting to leave the EU risked losing it.

“It’s unfair to say the EU doesn’t give a crap about the UK when that’s literally what they’ve just done,” he said.

Downing Street insiders said the Prime Minister’s years of experience in bringing shoes to a parade-ground gloss at school had really paid dividends.

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