Tuesday 2 February 2016 by Spacey

Giannelli Imbula’s agent hospitalised after wanking himself into a coma


Football agent

Following Giannelli Imbula’s £18m transfer to Stoke City, the new Premier League footballer’s agent has been rushed to hospital in a coma brought on by excessive masturbation.

A hospital spokesperson confirmed that a man was admitted a short time ago and is currently in a serious but aroused condition.

A doctor told us, “We can confirm that we are currently treating a man who is in a coma brought about by a ferocious and sustained period of masturbation.

“There’s also very little we can do about the fixed grin, and despite being heavily sedated he has been mumbling ‘ten percent, ten percent’ over and over again since his arrival.

“Surgeons have successfully removed his hand from his penis, but we are preparing his wife for the possibility that the erection will be permanent.”

The agent’s PA told reporters that the warning signs started to manifest as soon as word of the initial bid reached the agent’s office.

She said, “He started to get an erection as soon as the €20m bid came in, and there was no danger of that subsiding despite Porto rejecting it. He was pinned to the desk all morning.

“When the €24m bid came in from Stoke City his hands were straight down his trousers, and when the deal was completed, well, he was pretty much a blur from that point on.”

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