Monday 1 February 2016 by Neil Tollfree

No one interested in your bloody baby, broadsheet columnists told


Mum and baby broadsheet coverage

Columnists from major broadsheet newspapers have been told in no uncertain terms that nobody wants to read another piece about their bloody baby.

“If I read another sentence about the life-changing moment of looking into your baby’s face then I will drive to their appalling Shoreditch wank pad and punch them in the face,” said reader Jamie Williams earlier, shortly after reading a piece entitled ‘Journey to the self: life begins.’

“Just because you can spell ‘amniocentesis’ doesn’t give you the right to inflict four pages on the primal power of the bond of parenthood or some such guff on the public.

“You’re supposed to be giving people a bit of insight, so instead of picking a topic on which literally everyone’s parents have experience why not go and live in a hole, or have a cock grafted onto your face, or spend the year hopping; do something original and then tell everyone about that instead.”

It is estimated that a column about the columnist’s baby is generated somewhere on the planet every two a minutes and the majority of them are entitled ‘How I found peace in the eyes of my child.’

The Guardian alone has published four such columns in the last two days.

“And I’ll tell you another thing,” continued Jamie.

“Yes, you may see the ‘vapidity of life in pubs and bars through the prism of your child’s tears’ now, but give it six weeks, and as soon as the little sod’s head hits the pillow you’ll be banging down the Chardonnay like it was water in the desert.”

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