Friday 29 January 2016 by Formelia Alberthine

Storm Gertrude battered and bruised after night out in Glasgow


Scotland wind

Storm Gertrude is said to be recovering after being left battered and bruised following a night out in Glasgow.

Despite a red warning, the strong winds were happy to take their chances in some of the less reputable parts of the city, hoping to move on after a short stop in the west end.

Gertrude’s plans were thwarted when a number of locals enquired the intent behind her current whereabouts.

“‘Whit ur ye daein’ haur?’ was the initial thrust of the quizzing,” a witness told us.

“But when Gertrude continued to whistle past them without so much as an acknowledgment things began to turn nasty.

“The locals began wildly swinging and kicking, calling her a ‘soft westerly bastard’ who should ‘Blaw back whaur she cam frae.

“It was quite an absorbing sight to watch Scotsmen aimlessly apply themselves to something they couldn’t see.”

Glaswegian, Simon McWilliams, who admits lashing out at Gertrude in the melee, claimed she clearly started it.

“She cam at us wi’ a lot ay force, much stronger than super t, if ye ken whit ah mean?

‘Sae ah burst ‘er, but she jist kept comin.

The leader of the SNP, Nicola Sturgeon, said the affair had given further weight to calls for a second referendum on leaving the UK.

“This incident emphasizes the need for Scotland to have greater controls over its borders,” she claimed.

Geordie’s are said to be preparing for the arrival of Gertrude by taking the Newklear option of an offer of a bottle of Brown Ale to ensure her speedy departure.

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