Friday 29 January 2016 by Neil Tollfree

George Osborne ‘inconsolable’ after losing hi-vis jacket and helmet


George Osborne

Chancellor George Osborne is said to be in floods of tears since misplacing his hi-vis jacket and builder’s helmet.

“Ever since he got his hi-vis jacket and helmet all those years ago, he wakes up every morning squealing ‘Georgie play build-build, Georgie play build-build’,” said Mr Osborne’s Mum earlier

“Now he’s lost them he’s inconsolable. I don’t know what to do with him, I can’t even get him to visit a local factory to pretend to care about people who do manual labour.

And visiting a local factory to pretend to care about people doing manual labour used to be one of his favourite things.”

Mr Osborne’s father was unavailable for comment as he was busy presiding over the fiery pits of Hell, however his mother revealed plans to try to cheer up the Chancellor.

“Well, first of all, I’ll let him slash some benefits, and if that doesn’t cheer him up I’ll give him a good couple of hour of misrepresenting employment figures because if there’s one thing little Georgie likes more than pretending to care about people who do manual labour, it’s misrepresenting employment figures.

“If that doesn’t work, then I’ve got a freezer full of the hearts of pure virgin girls that he can feast on.”

It is understood that Mr Osborne will not be making any further public appearances until a replacement hi-vis jacket and helmet can be found.

This is expected to take a while as the replacement helmet will have to be custom made, like Mr Osborne’s original one, to accommodate his horns.

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