Monday 25 January 2016 by Lucas Wilde

Alexander Armstrong ‘critical’ after disagreement with Richard Osman


Alexander Armstrong, Richard Osman

Alexander Armstrong is in a coma following an altercation with man-giant, Richard Osman.

The game show host was found hammered through the floor like a railroad spike after attempting to tell Osman that he was the funny one, and that Osman could easily be replaced with a Google search.

“Alexander was awfully rude to Richard,” said floor manager, Simon Williams.

“He had consumed half a glass of beer, which is an awful lot of alcohol for him, but that’s no excuse.”

“Xander was shoving Richard, which obviously had no effect, and then he stood there panting for a moment before standing on a stool to shout obscenities into Richard’s intensely likeable face.”

“He was shouting ‘you’re nothing!’ and ‘you don’t know things! You just read them out!’ and ‘you’d be better in a freak show than on a game show! Now THAT’S funny, you fucking sasquatch!’, it was all really quite nasty for a normally jovial man.

“Richard stood there and took it for as long as he could, then his face turned to rage and he let out a primal scream before picking Alexander up and pounding him into the concrete.

“It took sixteen men to finally pull him from Xander; Richard is a great entertainer but he has a terrifying, almost Hulk-like strength when he’s upset.”

Armstrong is expected to take several weeks to recover; during which time his role will be filled by literally anyone.

“Because everyone watches the show for Richard, obviously”, confirmed Simon Williams.

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