Tuesday 19 January 2016 by Lucas Wilde

‘If we ban Trump we can’t throw rotten vegetables at him’ concludes Parliament


Donald Trump won't be banned from the UK

Parliament has rejected calls to ban Donald Trump from the UK as that would preclude all kinds of fun shenanigans.

Parliament was forced to waste an hour or two debating the matter after 574,000 people demanded they do so.

“Yeah, no,” said MP Simon Williams.

“Don’t get me wrong; Trump is an appalling stain on the fresh white sheets of humanity, and it would be horrifying to see him shake hands with the Queen.

“But on the flip-side, I have an absolute shit-ton of eggs that are rotting nicely in the pantry. If we ban him, they’ll simply go to waste.

“So it’s a toss-up between preserving the dignity of our nation or pelting an absolute bastard with rotting produce; and I’ve seen enough Ant and Dec to know how THAT debate ends.”

Mark Walsh, of the public, agreed with his MP, explaining, “I’d hate to think I’d built this tar-and-feather machine for nothing.

“It’s cost me £37,000 so far; I started building it the moment Trump announced he was running.”

“I’ve already booked a spot at Heathrow for when he arrives; right next to the shit-a-pult and opposite the flame-throwers.

“It’s going to be the best day out since that clown punched Uncle Dan at my 9th birthday party.”

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