Monday 18 January 2016 by Lucas Wilde

Tennis to remain incredibly dull despite being rigged


Tennis Rigged

The sport of tennis has managed to remain dull as fuck despite many of the matches being allegedly fixed.

A report has found that the sport is first in the world for arse-numbing back-and-forth tedium despite being pre-determined in the same way as a professional wrestling match.

“They could have scripted some great moments,” sighed tennis widow, Emily Dickinson.

“Like one of the players could spontaneously combusted, or one of them could have hit a ball into the face of the Duchess of Cambridge who would then sprint onto the court to pound the offender into the clay.

“That’s the kind of drama that would get me more interested in watching a fluffy lemon being batted back and forth over a fishing net.”

Wimbledon officials have strenuously denied the allegations.

“Tennis is NOT boring,” insisted LTA spokesperson, Henry Riggerson.

“It is an exciting spectacle of fighting spirit, of courage and of destiny, much like Lord of the Rings, the outcome of which was also scripted well in advance.

“Anyway, keep your eyes peeled for this year’s Wimbledon, as a certain Mr. Leonardo Dicaprio might just be making a surprise appearance in the final 16.”

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