Monday 18 January 2016 by Lucas Wilde

‘Speaking English cures violence’ insists man currently bombing Syria


Cameron bombing syria

The Prime Minister has promised that Muslims who learn English would never think of blowing stuff up like he does.

Mr. Cameron made the statement while signing off on another air strike order on a Syrian orphanage.

“Yes, it’s all rather simple really,” said the shiny-faced Eton mess.

“Once one masters the tongue of the empire, one’s thoughts of violent extremism go straight out of the window.

“Now I know what you’ll say: ‘Prime Minister, you’re ever so handsome’, Haha! No, no I jest. Although I am, I’m sure of it. I’m ever so shiny.

“I know some people will say that I still commit to acts of violence despite my marvellous grasp of the language, except that I send huge swathes of young men and one or two ladies to do the fighting for me.

“But that’s entirely different for me, you see.

“Because I don’t wear one of those dreadful peep-scarfs, alright?

“Now, fuck off.”

Some Muslim women will face deportation if they don’t learn the native, peaceful language of Charles Bronson, Peter Sutcliffe and Paddy McGuinness.

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