Monday 18 January 2016

Dyslexic perverts still celebrating Tim Peake’s first spacewank


Tim Peake spacewank

Perverts who struggle recognising some words are still celebrating British astronaut Tim Peake masturbating in space.

Peake stepped into the void of space on Friday, for what many dyslexic perverts everywhere hailed as the most futuristic wank of all time.

One of those watching, Simon Williams, told us, “It’s been a dream of mine to masturbate in space ever since I was young boy noticing how short Lieutenant Uhura’s uniform was on Star Trek – so seeing a Brit do this is just amazing.

“I’ll be honest, the live-stream was a little bit disappointing – I can only assume he was beating away furiously inside that bulky suit. I know I would have been.

“Though I think he might have been pipped to the punch by that American chap – ‘water’ in his helmet? Yeah, right.”

The first space wank has led to many technical questions from those who dream of following Peake’s steps into space masturbation.

Williams went on, “How do you deal with the aftermath in a micro-gravity environment? It can make a bit of a mess even when you know for certain it’s coming back down again.

“I bet it would go miles. I reckon if I held off a couple of days, and had access to my own private video library, then I could get it to the other end of the space station. Easy.”

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