Saturday 16 January 2016 by Neil Tollfree

No sanction for BBC’s Carol Kirkwood over ‘cold as f*ck’ weather forecast


Carol Kirkwood

The BBC has announced that there will be no punishment for popular weather presenter Carol Kirkwood’s use of the phrase ‘cold as fuck.’

She used the phrase during an outside broadcast on a hill in the North York Moors on Friday morning in response to a question from colleague Bill Turnbill.

“And now to Carol for the weather,” said the avuncular bee-keeper.

“Carol, it looks a bit chilly where you are?”

“That’s right Billy,” she responded chirpily.

“It’s cold as fuck.”

“I’m sorry?” replied a visibly shocked Turnbill.

“Cold. As. Fuck.” She repeated, forcefully.

“Bastard cold. Shitting cold. Cold as an eskimo’s arse. Cold as a witch’s tit. Cold enough to worry any brass monkeys. It is abso-fucking-lutely fucking cold as fucking fuck.”

“I see,” stammered Mr Turnbill.

“Um, so is there any detail on the forecast for-”

“No. Cold as fuck. Probably some rain in Scotland and the North, I mean, I haven’t checked but it’s a fair assumption. Now, sod this, I’m going to get off this God-forsaken blasted bastard heath and try and find somewhere in this hellish backwater with the ability to make a decent cup of coffee.”

She then dropped the mic and stalked off muttering about being a proper scientist, not a performing penguin.

The BBC has issued a statement saying there would be no sanction for Miss Kirkwood because “after investigation we have discovered that on the North York Moors on Friday morning, it was indeed cold as fuck.”

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